10 Phrases You Should Always Avoid When Speaking to Your Wife

by Brandon

I’m no marriage counselor. I don’t know all the fancy schmancy rules involved in making a marriage work. I do, however, know that my marriage is a great one. I love my wife dearly and she loves me. How do we do it?

Really, it’s a matter of respect, love, like, and trust. I’ve also discovered that it’s a matter of knowing what not to say. I’ve learned over the years that there are certain phrases you should avoid. If you say these phrases, it’s almost guaranteed to lead to a very bad place. Well, today’s your lucky day. I’m here to protect you from these dangerous words! Learn from my experience and avoid these phrases like you’d avoid a zombie’s bite.

10. “I’m getting sick of your damn attitude.” I’ve experimented with variations of this phrase over the years. “Why are you acting like a jerk?” or “I”m kind of tired of your attitude, woman!” In every case, the result was… unpleasant. So avoid this phrase. It won’t lead anywhere good.

Classic Chicken Pot Pie9. “Fix me a chicken pot pie, wench!” With the right tone, this phrase can actually result in your enjoyment of a chicken pot pie. The key is in the punctuation. Remove the exclamation point and add question mark. Also, I recommend removing the word “wench” and replace it with “please.” If you do that, you stand a solid chance of enjoying that pot pie. If you keep the “wench” and the exclamation point, you’ll get a response involving the dreaded words, “Fix it your damn self.” Oh, how I hate those words.

8. Anything involving the word “fat.” Just play it safe. Avoid that word. Completely remove it from your vocabulary. It’s one of the most dangerous words in the English language. Stay away from it.

7. “SMELL MY PIT SWEAT! SMELL IT NOW!” Surprisingly, this phrase rarely results in a good time.

6. “I’m not sorry.” If you say these words, I guarantee you’ll be sorry. So don’t bother trying to postpone the inevitable.

5. “WAKE UP! IT’S THE APOCALYPSE! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!” The first time I screamed this phrase at my sleeping wife, I expected her to thank me for it. It’s good training, right? Apparently not. Apparently, my wife thinks she’s so prepared for the zombie apocalypse that she doesn’t need morning drills.

4. “I challenge you to a thumb wrestling war.” It’s a thumb war. No biggie. How could that be bad? Well, if your wife happens to have extremely dexterous and abnormally strong thumbs, the result of using this phrase will be her unending taunts for at least a week. It’s not worth the risk. Trust me on this.

3. “I win!” Doesn’t matter if it’s an argument, a card game, or a board game. If you ever win at anything, do not announce it. Instead of savoring a glorious victory, you’ll end up chastised for being a poor sport or some nonsense like that. Victory dances also fall into this category.

2. “IT’S BONGO TIME!” No matter what you mean by that phrase, she’ll assume it’s something bad. Avoid it.

1. “Honey, can you help me hide this body?” No explanation needed.

So there you have it. This list is far from complete. If you have anything to contribute, feel free.

–Brandon

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Doug Lamoreux January 1, 2013 at 8:30 AM

Your problem with number 1 is, quite simply, all the wasted civility. There’s no time for it just then. I recommend, “Help me hide this body.” She’ll appreciate the direct approach and respond accordingly. Afterwards, you can always add, “Thanks, honey.”

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Robert January 1, 2013 at 10:57 AM

Number 11: Hey honey, I ran into my old girlfriend today…

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