3 Tips for a Better Looking Yard

by Brandon

For my British readers (as far as I know, I have one; his name is Adam), a “yard” is just the American word for what you call a garden. Here are three great tips you can use to have a great looking yard (garden, Adam)…

1. The Miyagi Way – Working out has become the new national pastime in this country. Well, to be a bit more specific, talking about working out has become a new national pastime in this country, but that’s a blog for another day… So why not use this trend to have a great looking yard? Here’s all you have to do. Place a large sign in your front yard, making sure it’s clearly visible from the road. Make sure it looks nice and professional. The sign should read:

The Miyagi Way Gym: Now Open! For a limited time only, MEMBERSHIP IS FREE! Inquire inside!

Whenever someone comes inside, start by making them sign a form stating that by accepting a free membership to The Miyagi Way Gym, they are obligated to complete one workout before quitting.

After they’ve signed the form, take them outside and make them mow the yard. If they question you, scream “WAX ON! WAX OFF!” and walk away.

2. The Adversarial Method (AKA the five dollar method). This technique does require a little conflict, so if you’re not comfortable with that, this method might not be for you. You start by complaining constantly about how long it takes you to mow your yard. Really exaggerate this. If it takes you an hour to mow your yard, make sure you complain that it takes you 3 to 4 hours. Complain loudly and often.

Eventually, someone will get sick of hearing you and they’ll attempt to call you out on your obvious exaggeration. When that happens, DON’T PANIC! It’s part of the plan. At that point, they’ll say something like, “It does not take you 3 hours to mow your yard.”

That’s when you argue the point. Swear to everything you hold holy that it does – in fact – take you that long. After several minutes of arguing, make your move and say the following: “Okay, Smarty Pants, let’s put it to the test. I’ll bet you five dollars that you can’t mow my yard in under three hours. Come on… put your money where your mouth is!”

It’s important to make this challenge in front of other people, so it’s harder for that person to back down.

Once the bet is in place, they will come to your house and mow your yard for you. After they finish, act upset that you lost “the bet” and pay them their measly five bucks.

3. The Suck It Up Method. This technique is simple: suck it up and go mow the damn yard.


You know how people say good, old-fashioned manual labor is good for the soul?

Yeah, those people are full of crap. They’re just using an altered version of The Miyagi Way (tricking you into thinking you want to mow the yard). I promise you, as you’re out there mowing – dirty and tired – they’re inside, drinking whiskey and laughing at you.

So there you have it, folks! Three tips for maintaining a nice looking yard (garden, Adam). Have fun wasting your summer on the yard-work hamster wheel!


(I hate yard work)

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