4 Reasons Yoda Was a Terrible Jedi

by Brandon

Obi-Wan: “If you spent as much time practicing your saber techniques as you did your wit, you’d rival Master Yoda as a swordsman.”

Anakin: “I thought I already did.”

Obi-Wan: “Only in your mind, my very young apprentice.”

Yeah. That’s how we’re supposed to see Yoda. He’s the master of masters. He’s powerful. He’s a badass. He’s wise.

Well, I think that’s a bunch of bantha poodoo.

That’s right. I said it.

And in defense of my call of poodoo, I give you…

4 Reasons Yoda Was a Terrible Jedi:

1. He’s always angry.

One of the most fundamental lessons the Jedi teach is this: Don’t give in to anger.

I guess that only counts for other Jedi, because Yoda is always pissed.

Seriously.

He’s like a mini-hulk. More specifically, he’s like a mini-Bruce Banner a few seconds before Bruce turns into the hulk. At all times, Yoda seems full of barely contained rage.

And he gets pissed off over little things.

Luke said something wrong. “Master, moving rocks around is one thing, but this is totally different.” Fine. That’s what students do. If they never made mistakes, they would be masters.

So how does Yoda react? He has a tantrum. He slams his little stick on the ground and yells, “No! The only difference is in your mind!”

Chill, little green dude. Luke’s been training for what, two days? No need to yell.

And when the Jedi Council decided Obi-Wan would train Anakin, how does Yoda react? Again, he beats the ground with his stick and has a tantrum. “But agree with this decision, I DO NOT!”

I know what you’re thinking. Those were very important events. It’s understandable he’d be pushed to the edge…

I again call poodoo on that defense.

Remember when he tried to steal Luke’s lamp and R2-D2 busted him? Remember how he reacted?

He started screaming “MINE!” and then proceeded to beat R2-D2 with his stick.

The fate of the galaxy wasn’t hanging in the balance on that one. He was just pissed because he got caught trying to steal something that didn’t belong to him.

Still don’t believe me? Just look at him. Most days he doesn’t even try to hide the rage.

So yeah. He’s always angry. And we all know what anger leads to…

Apparently, it leads to a position on the Jedi Council.

2. He likes to make other people feel like crap.

I thought training through negative reinforcement was a Sith thing.

Apparently not.

Yoda is the little green king of making people feel like crap. He’s the guy who looks at an artist’s masterpiece and frantically searches for a flaw he can point out.

“Always with you, what cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say!”

“Lost a planet, Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing.”

“Qui-Gon’s defiance I sense in you.”

“Aww… cannot get your ship out!”

The only time Yoda doesn’t act angry is when he’s making someone else feel like crap. And he has no limit when it comes to ruining someone else’s day.

Anakin came to him for advice. Anakin was afraid someone was going to die, so he went to Yoda for advice.

How did Yoda react? He basically said, “Be happy they’re rejoining the Force. Instead of trying to save them, you should really just get used to the idea of them being dead.”

He didn’t ask for details. He didn’t ask who needed saving. He didn’t have any questions about what was at stake. He just said, “Meh, let ‘em die and move on.”

That’s just harsh. But hey, it’s what Yoda does.

3. He’s a coward.

Mace Windu: “Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Padme are in danger on Geonosis. I’ll take some Jedi and go rescue them.”

Yoda: “I’ll join you… After I get an entire army to send in first.”

That’s Yoda.

He always seems to get other people to take the big risks.

Luke is growing up on a harsh and deadly planet with an Imperial presence. He needs someone to watch over him. And who is chosen to be Luke’s protector and trainer?

Yoda? The Jedi master who has trained Jedi for 800 years?

Nope.

Obi-Wan. The guy who has had one student… and we all know how well that turned out.

Yoda, in the meantime, is living alone in a swamp.

And why is Yoda living alone in a swamp?

Because he’s hiding.

When things got tough, that was Yoda’s answer.

He hid for 20 years and constructed this elaborate plan based on the slim hope that one of two babies might grow up and be able to save the galaxy.

Yeah.

That’s the best plan, Yoda. Let millions of people be enslaved and murdered for 20 years straight while you hide in a swamp.

You’re a real hero.

Of course, there’s a good reason he hid for 20 years. That reason actually leads me to number 4…

4. Yoda can’t fight.

Sure, he can hop around and twirl a lightsaber, but it never seems to do him any good.

In the entire saga, we saw Yoda fight the Sith twice.

And both times, he lost.

Okay, I’ll grant that he didn’t technically lose the fight against Dooku, but he certainly didn’t win.

Dooku escaped by using the force to pull down the ceiling. When that happened, Yoda had to drop everything and give his full attention to stopping the debris.

Because… you know… apparently size doesn’t matter when it comes to lifting X-wings, but it takes extra concentration if you’re stopping a ceiling.

Luke was able to balance on one hand while using the force to lift R2-D2 and several rocks.

But two pieces of ceiling pretty much wiped out Mr. Jedi Master.

And then there’s Palpatine.

During that entire fight, Yoda struggled. He got thrown around and beat down at every turn.

Maybe it’s because he’s always angry. I mean, Palpatine was clearly enjoying the fight.

And sure, I accept that he was fighting a Sith Lord, but it also happened to be the same Sith Lord who just had his ass handed to him by Mace Windu. I guess you could argue that Palpatine let Mace win, but that doesn’t change the fact that Yoda totally got his ass kicked.

And then he ran and hid for 20 years.

And even that plan wasn’t a victory for Yoda. The only reason the Empire fell was because Luke ignored Yoda’s wishes and fought to save Vader instead of kill him.

Matter of fact, the only fight we ever see Yoda win was the fight with R2-D2 over that damn lamp.

And even then, it was because R2-D2 was told to let him have it…

So there you have it. Four reasons why Yoda was the opposite of everything a Jedi is supposed to be.

You know, it just occurred to me that this might be the nerdiest blog I’ve ever written.

I’m gonna stop now and hope my wife doesn’t read this one.

–Brandon

 

 


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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Doug Lamoreux August 26, 2013 at 2:57 PM

Nerd.

Reply

Traci Hilton August 26, 2013 at 3:45 PM

That was so nerdy that I thought you had linked to someone else’s nerdtastic blog! That was so nerdy, it was kind of legendary. Share it I will.

Reply

Brandon August 26, 2013 at 5:06 PM

I am particularly proud of the level of nerd I showed with this one.

It’s very… liberating. :)

Reply

George Wier August 26, 2013 at 9:01 PM

You are such a frickin’ nerd, Brandocakemix!

The only problem is…I for some reason…totally understand you.

Oh no!

Reply

Brandon August 26, 2013 at 9:24 PM

You know, the more I think about it, the more I think it’s not that Yoda’s a terrible Jedi.

I think he’s secretly a Sith.

Reply

Doug Lamoreux August 27, 2013 at 3:19 AM

THAT’S A LIE. TAKE IT BACK!

Reply

Brandon August 27, 2013 at 9:21 PM

It’s out there now. No taking it back.

Reply

Doug Lamoreux August 28, 2013 at 6:04 AM

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