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5 Easy Steps To Prepare For a Coming Blizzard | Books From Hale

5 Easy Steps To Prepare For a Coming Blizzard

by Brandon

Every person who lives in an area with snowy winters knows how scary it is when you start seeing the forecasts for a blizzard. You have to deal with extreme cold, possible power outages, cold, frozen water lines, cold, running out of food, and, most importantly, cold.

I’ve lived in southwest Virginia for over 40 years, so I have learned a thing or two about preparing for a blizzard. Lucky for you, I’m here to share 5 easy steps that will help you prepare for any snowstorm…

1. Gather dry clothing and medical supplies.

Gather up enough clothing to last at least a week, then gather up all necessary medical supplies. If you regularly take medications, be sure to get your prescriptions filled before the snow comes. I know some people who call them “subscriptions.” That drives me crazy. It’s medicine, not your favorite magazine. And yes, magazines do still exist. The internet hasn’t destroyed them all. I know this because my wife has several magazine prescriptions.

Wait. Did I just… magazine prescriptions…  magazine prescriptions… “I’d like to prescribe to your magazine…” Prescribe… PREscribe… preSCRIBE…

Don’t you hate when you use a word over and over until it loses its meaning?

Anyway, moving on…

Place all your medical supplies and clothing near the door you normally use to enter and exit your home. It’s important that you get this right. If you normally enter through the front door, put the supplies by the front door. If you use another door, put the supplies near the other door. My wife and I, for example, use our side door to enter and exit the house. This door first takes us into our laundry room. We use this door because we have cats, and by using the side door, our cats can’t just dart outside as we come in. We call the laundry room our “Adree-lock.” It’s our version of an airlock, but since our oldest cat is named Adree, we named it after her.

On a side note, make sure your pets are taken care of. Make sure your pets have shelter, food, water, and warmth, and ask a neighbor or friend to check on these pets daily. This isn’t on the official list because it goes without saying for any decent, not-evil human beings. If you’re evil, then I don’t care if you follow this list or not. We don’t need you anyway.

2. Go to a bank.

When the forecast for a blizzard comes, most people head to the grocery store. This is a mistake… unless, of course, you’re using the old trick where you tell your kids that their refusal to clean their rooms has cause an apocalypse. If you’re using the “your-dirty-room-has-caused-society-to-break-down” method of parenting, then a grocery store before a snowstorm is perfect. When your kids see people fist-fighting over mini-ravioli and Vienna sausages (or, as we say in southwest Virginia, “vi-eeny sausages”), they won’t doubt for a second that the apocalypse has come.

But if you don’t have kids, or if your kids have clean rooms, you should avoid grocery stores. Instead, you should go to your bank and withdraw $5000.00 (at least).

If you don’t have $5000.00 in the bank, you can just get it out from under your mattress.

If you don’t have $5000.00 under your mattress, check in the empty jar on top of your fridge.

If you don’t have $5000.oo in the empty jar on top of your fridge, check in your spouse’s secret bank account. You know, their “just in case I can’t take Brandon’s shit anymore” bank account.

If your spouse doesn’t have a bank account, then you’ll need to use a more unorthodox method to get $5000.00.

There are multiple ways to do this, but I recommend the “Edgar, from the Corporate Office” method…

Put on your nicest clothes, then go to any open bank. Ask for the manager, then explain that you’re Edgar, from the Corporate Office, and you’re there to do a money inspection. The manager should take you straight into the vault. Once in the vault, just stuff $5000 into your pocket.**

**Note: If you follow the “Edgar, from the Corporate Office” method, be sure to leave a note with your name and contact info, explaining that you plan to give that money back when you fulfill your lifelong dream of making it rich by telling every person you know to buy my Day Soldiers novels (currently being sold on Amazon). If you get enough people to buy my books, you’ll eventually tell a vampire-obsessed multi-billionaire about them, and – after he reads them – he’ll be so incredibly appreciative that you introduced him to Day Soldiers (currently being sold on Amazon), that he’ll give you an appreciation gift of at least $3.2 million. It’s a mathematical certainty. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, it’s just because you haven’t told enough people about my books.

Once you have $5000.00, you can move on to step 3…

3. Go to an Airport.

It’s vitally important that you get to an airport before the storm hits. If the storm has already arrived, most of the planes will be grounded. If that happens, you’ll have no choice but to go to a grizzled old war veteran who owns a small plane. There, you’ll have to say, “I need to book a flight.”

Of course, the grizzled old war veteran will say, “Is that so?”

And you will then have to say, “That’s so.”

“A big storm’s a comin’,” he’ll say. “If it hits while we’re in the air, it could get… excitin’.”

That’s when you’ll say, “Well, if you’re too afraid–”

“I AIN’T SKEERT!” He’ll scream. “I once kilt twenty-seven Nazis with nuthin’ but an overgrown toenail and some very precise kickin’! I just wanted to make sure you understood the dangers.”

When he says the word Nazi, he’ll say it in such a way that makes it sound like he’s saying, “Nazzies.”

You’ll of course tell him you’re aware of the dangers. He’ll try to charge you $1500 for the trip. Only offer $200. He’ll act offended at first, but if you stay firm, he’ll do it for the $200.

4. Fly to Florida (or any warm state).

If you’re on the east coast, Florida is probably your best bet. The flight home will be much cheaper if you’re just flying up and down the east coast. Obviously, Florida isn’t required. Any area that has warm weather, sexy joggers to watch, and bartenders who twirl their bottles around like a juggler twirls bowling pins should work just fine.

Of course, if money is no object, I highly recommend that you send me about a million dollars because money is definitely an object for me.

5. Wait out the storm.

This is the easiest – yet most important – step. It’s vital that you only stay gone long enough to ride out the current snow storm. If you try to come back home too early, you won’t be able to book a flight, even from the grizzle old war veteran. But if you wait too long, you might just find yourself flying into a brand new blizzard.

Truly, timing is everything, so check your hometown weather forecasts often. Unlike previous generations, you have the internet, so finding out what the weather is like back home should be easy. All you have to do is log onto the internet, then do a Bing search. I’m kidding. There’s no such thing as a “Bing search.” Just trying to inject some levity into this very serious situation. Anyway, just do a Google search for your hometown news station. Once you find the local station’s website, check the “contact us” tab for a physical address. Once you have a physical address, simply mail them a letter, asking them to contact you when the storm is over. See, it’s that easy! Isn’t the internet great?

There are literally thousands of ways you can wait for the storm to pass. You can spend your days sitting on a beach, watching all the sexy joggers go by. You can play chess with lonely old people at retirement communities. You can get a temporary job aboard a fishing boat, so you can walk along the deck at night, pretending to be Dracula at sea.

Really, it goes on and on. It honestly doesn’t matter what you do, as long as your overriding goal is met. As long as you stay in the warm location until the snow has melted away back home, you’ve followed step five correctly.

And there you have it!

Five easy-to-follow steps that allow you to properly prepare and execute a plan for surviving a blizzard. If you follow these steps carefully, any blizzard will prove to be no problem.

You’re welcome.

–Bran


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