My wife and I watched the Avengers. We watched Earth’s mightiest heroes face off against the world’s greatest threat. Two days later, I discovered that watching The Avengers was a horrible mistake.
After the movie, I did what any normal person would do… I only communicated with my wife as the Hulk. No matter what she said, I responded by screaming, throwing things, and banging my fists on the floor.
My wife: “Bran, want a cup of coffee?”
Me: “HULK WANT COFFEE! NOW!”
Then I threw a pillow at her and began to beat my fists on the floor.
Me: “I think we should go watch the Avengers again.”
My wife: “We just watched it yesterday.”
Me: “I’m not sure I understand your point. You say that like it’s some kind of justification for not seeing it again today.”
My wife: “It is a justification for not seeing it again. Movies are expensive and we just watched it yesterday. I liked the movie and all, but really–”
Me: “Don’t make me angry.”
My wife: “Bran… don’t…”
Me: “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”
My wife: “The Hulk thing was cute the first 10 times, but it’s really losing its charm.”
And that’s all it took. I threw the couch cushion across the room and beat on the floor for several minutes in a Hulk-rage.
After I calmed down again, I politely explained that she had been thoroughly warned about making me angry and the thrown cushion was her fault, not mine.
This continued for two more days.
Yeah, it was a good two days. I’m not saying it was the best two days of my life, but it was in the top 10.
Maybe the top 5.
It feels good to be a Hulk.
After two days, though, I knew it was time to put the Hulk away for a while. You see, there are two things in this world that are absolute:
1. Bats in video games always suck. They’ve sucked since Castlevania was released on the original Nintendo. They flutter around and just make you want to throw the controller across the room.
2. A wife’s tolerance threshold for living with the Hulk is 2 days.
So I decided the Hulk would go out in style with one final and glorious Hulk-out.
I found my oldest T-shirt and put it on, then I walked into the living room and sat on the couch… and stared at my wife.
Say anything, I thought. Anything at all.
She was reading a book. When she didn’t look up, I coughed.
I coughed again, louder.
My wife finally looked at me and said, “What are you doing?”
“YOUR TONE MAKES ME ANGRY!” I screamed.
Ignoring my wife’s sigh, I jumped up and began to transform. I grabbed my T-shirt and prepared myself for the finale. That’s right… the final Hulk-out was going to be me ripping off my shirt in the most massive Hulk-rage ever.
I grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled it with my massive Hulk-strength.
It didn’t tear.
Instead, it just hurt my neck.
“Whatcha’ doin’ there, Hulk?” My wife asked with a smirk.
“YOUR SMIRK MAKES ME ANGRY!” I screamed.
I grabbed the center of my shirt with both hands and pulled. That was better anyway. The shirt would rip right down the center!
Yeah, it didn’t rip.
Instead, it just stretched a little.
“Want me to get the scissors?” my wife asked.
With a final howl of Hulk-rage, I pulled the shirt with all my strength.
And banged my elbow on the living room wall.
I don’t know who “they” are, but they should be beaten for naming that bone the “funny bone.”
It’s not funny at all. Really, it should be called the “intense pain bone.”
I screamed in pain, and I’ll tell you right now, it wasn’t a Hulk scream.
Being honest, it was more like a scream you’d hear at a Justin Bieber concert.
Apparently, my wife thinks that bone is aptly named, because she laughed for 10 minutes straight.
“If you need me,” I said calmly, “I’ll be at my computer, working.”
And that was the end of the Hulk’s time in our house.
The next morning, the first thing my wife said to me was, “Mornin’, Ripper.”
She calls me Ripper now.
In certain situations, that might be a compliment. For example, if I had unbreakable claws, Ripper would be a cool name.
But in this context, it’s not a compliment at all. It’s ironic. Like a really big guy called “Tiny.”
So please, learn from my mistakes. If you are married and decide you absolutely have to watch The Avengers, you need to know that three things will happen:
1. You will start acting like the Hulk. This is absolutely unavoidable.
2. You will try to rip off a T-shirt and discover that it’s much harder than you thought.
3. Your wife will start calling you “Ripper” and it won’t be a compliment.
Consider yourselves warned.