Adventures in Channel Surfing

by Brandon

So yesterday, I decided to watch a little TV. Normally, I’m a junkie for news, so my TV’s usually on one of the many news channels. Yesterday, I thought, “I’ll see what else is on,” and decided to browse the other networks….

First, I thought, “I’m in the mood for science! What’s on the Discovery Channel?”

I flipped to the Discovery Channel.

A show called “Fast N Loud was playing. It was about a couple guys who find and restore classic cars.

Now, I was a little surprised that there was nothing about animals or the oceans or space, but I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt on that one. “Discovery” is a pretty broad term. I was technically discovering things about cars. Still, that wasn’t what I had expected there, so I moved on.

“History,” I thought. “I love watching stuff about history.”

I flipped to the History Channel… to find a show about pawn shops. Not pawns shops throughout history, mind you. I’m talking about current pawn shops. Now, that show may rock, but it’s not exactly what I’d expect to find on the History Channel, so I moved on.


I flipped to The Learning Channel and found… yeah… Honey Boo Boo. Okay, I accept it could be argued that technically you are learning by watching that show. You’re learning about Honey Boo Boo. That said, I can’t help but suspect Honey Boo Boo wasn’t what they had in mind when they named the channel The Learning Channel. I moved on.

At this point, I was getting annoyed. None of the channels were showing programs that actually fit the name of the channel. What the hell?

Just out of curiosity, I flipped to MTV. I don’t listen to the music that would be playing on MTV, but I was just curious if Music Television was still in the music business.

Apparently it’s not. No music there.

“Okay,” I thought. “I don’t like country music, but if there’s one channel that’s likely to match its name, it’ll be the country music channel.”

The movie Ghostbusters was playing.


Ghostbusters was playing on the Country Music Channel.

Eventually, I found a program worth watching. It was a historical show called “Back to the Beginning.” It explored the historical accuracy of ancient myths and legends.

It was a really interesting show. I’m glad I watched it.

It was playing on CNN. You know, the channel devoted to current news.

What the hell, TV? What the hell?


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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Brandon Hale II December 16, 2013 at 8:54 PM

Too bad you don’t have Skinemax. That station stays true to itself.


Doug Lamoreux December 17, 2013 at 4:53 AM

Brilliant blog, Brandon. Television was SOOOOO much better when there were 3, yes three, I mean THREE networks, plus local programming. Every Friday and Saturday night, Universal monster movies and serials, Saturdays cartoons and Godzilla films, Sunday mornings Tarzan movies and Sunday afternoons football. Now there are hundreds of channels, and when was the last time you found a Lon Chaney movie on television? And why isn’t Lifetime simply called The I Hate Men Network, just asking.


Brandon December 17, 2013 at 5:30 AM

I agree on all counts, Doug.
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gpaulr December 17, 2013 at 9:44 AM

Once I got to Ghostbusters on CMT I would have stopped. I mean it’s FRIGGIN’ Ghostbusters! In fact I would dare say had those slick country boys used Ghostbusters in the 80′s to sell their “music” then I too, on my wall, would have a poster of Sarah Palin in an Old Glory Bikini holding an M-16… and between her teeth, a Rambo Knife (called a Palin Knife because that name is !Mucho Grande Macho!) Had that fateful theme song for Ghostbusters been performed by Ted Nugent or Bocephus then I would be attending Tea Party Rallies and supporting Ted Cruz while eating a handful of undercooked Texas Bacon, drinking a Bud, and chowing down on Chili Freedom Fries.
Alas, Ray Parker Jr. and his catchy tune saved me from a fate worse than death… a fate that would’ve been of xenophobia, tobacco use, and denial of science. (Although, I do miss bacon). Thank-you Ray Parker Jr. for saving me and my cholesterol level.
That man is a reality altering nexus and a Saint. Therefore “who you gonna’ call” with it’s poignant, mystical lyrics and cosmic answering melody is the greatest song in all existence.


Doug Lamoreux December 18, 2013 at 2:15 PM

Wow. What a hate-filled rant; name-calling, stereotyping and idiotic caricatures from the left. All because, in the Land of the Free, people dare to have opinions that differ from yours. I think I’ll go take a shower. (My apologies, Brandon)


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