Adventures in Self-Barbering

by Brandon

About 2 months ago, while shopping with my wife, I saw a hair-buzzer-thingie on the shelf. More from boredom than curiosity, I looked at the back of the box.

The instructions seemed simple. Incredibly simple, actually. “I can do this,” I said to myself.

I took the buzzer-thingie to my wife and said, “I can do this.”

“Really?” my wife said. “You think you can cut your own hair?”

“I know I can,” I said confidently. “And it’ll save us a load of money!”

“If you really think you can do it,” my wife said, “it’s fine with me.”

We bought the buzzer-thingie and took it home. I immediately unboxed it and read the instructions.

“Okay,” I said. “I’m ready. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

I scooped up my new tools and went to the bathroom.

15 minutes later, I stepped back into the living room and unintentionally did the best Gob Bluth impression I’ve ever done.

“I’ve made a huge mistake.”

Yeah.

The haircut wasn’t good.

At all.

“I dunno,” my wife said. “It’s a little uneven, but it’s not that bad.”

“SHUT UP JUST SHUT UP!” I screamed and ran back to the bathroom.

After an hour of working on it, I managed to get the haircut at least tolerable. It was still a bad haircut, but it wasn’t the worst haircut I’d ever had.

“Now I know how to do it,” I said. “Next time, I’ll go down to “One” on the buzzer-thingie’s length setting. It’s still just a little too long.  Next time, it’ll be perfect.”

That was a month ago. Today, I decided it was time to give myself that second haircut.

I remembered it was too long last time, so I took the guard labeled “One.”

I gave the back a few swipes, using a mirror behind me as a guide.

Okay. I’m going to stop right here and give you all a piece of very important information about hair-buzzer-thingies.

One” equals frickin’ bald.

Yeah.

From the ears down, half of of the back of my head – and a single swipe on the other side – was bald.

After staring in horror for approximately 15 minutes, I decided to go ahead and finish the top and sides.

All in all, the top and sides weren’t half bad. But the back…

Holy frickin’ crap.

I took a deep breath and yelled for my wife.

When she came in, I said, “Okay, if you want to laugh, that’s okay. A good laugh is fine. But don’t be upset. Please. If you get upset, I’ll get upset.”

Up to that point, my wife could only see the front and the sides.

“I dunno,” she said. “It looks okay to me. Better than the last–”

I turned around.

“OH MY GOD! I’M MARRIED TO A FREAK! I’M MARRIED TO THE MOST HORRIBLE LOOKING THING ON THE @#$^%# ^%#@*ING PLANET!”

To be fair, she actually said, “Yep, it’s gapped.”

But I most definitely heard, “OH MY GOD! I’M MARRIED TO A FREAK! I’M MARRIED TO THE MOST HORRIBLE LOOKING THING ON THE @#$^%# ^%#@*ING PLANET!”

I can say – without a doubt – I now have the worst haircut I’ve ever had.

I did what I could to fix it, but really, there’s only so much I could do without giving myself a complete buzz cut. Unfortunately, due to the fact that I have a rather misshapen skull, a buzz cut isn’t a good idea.

So I guess I’m stuck with this for a couple weeks.

On the bright side, I’ll definitely be a conversation piece for anybody standing behind me in line at the grocery store.

I know what you’re thinking. “I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”  Well, I knew you’d think that, so I have proof.

I drew some pictures of the haircut.

Here’s how it looked from the front:

Bran hair cut front

Not bad, really. But here’s how it looked from the back:

Bran hair cut back

I still get sick when I look at that.

And here’s the repaired version:

Bran hair cut fixed

So that’s my new look. I guess I’ll have to learn to love it for a few weeks.

Oh well. Life’s an adventure, I suppose. And more importantly… it was a learning experience. Next time, it’ll be perfect.

–Brandon

_________________________________________________________

 

Day Soldiers Red Sunset eyes coverp.s. If you want to help me feel better, hop over to Amazon and pick up a copy of Book One in the Day Soldiers series. Best part: It’s currently FREE.


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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Doug Lamoreux May 31, 2013 at 5:48 AM

“…I have a rather misshapen skull…” LOL

Reply

Brandon May 31, 2013 at 11:57 AM

Doug, I discovered that sad reality when I shaved my head as a teenager.

Reply

Doug June 3, 2013 at 5:26 PM

Nice, I cut mine like that too.

Hope all is well in the R.

Reply

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