Okay. My last 5 blogs about this disease have been dreadfully serious and deeply emotional. I’ve had some fun with it on Facebook, but in my blogs, I’ve been pretty serious about the whole thing. I’m overwhelmed by the response I’ve gotten from you folks. You’ve been supportive, complimentary, and you’ve really made me feel like these blogs are doing some good. It’s truly an honor to know that my blogs have been inspirational or uplifting to you, even if it’s just a little.
That said, I figure you (and I) could use a break from the heavy stuff, so I’m thinking it’s time for some Rule Number One.
With this blog, I’m saying, “Screw the serious stuff.”
Let’s have some fun…
Yes, cancer is a very serious disease. Yes, it’s painful. Yes, it’s terrifying. And yes, it affects the entire family.
I don’t think I’m overstating when I say…
Cancer really sucks.
But let’s be honest here… there’s no bad in this world that doesn’t have a little bit of good piggy-backing along for the ride, and cancer is no different.
Believe it or not, there are some good aspects to having this horrible disease.
Here are a few…
1. Cancer is a great way to get out of an unwanted conversation.
Let’s say you’re at the grocery store and a particularly annoying acquaintance corners you and forces you into a conversation. You, of course, keep looking at the Hungry Man Country Fried Chicken dinner in your buggy and you want nothing more than to get home and stick that sucker in the microwave.
Well, one very effective way to shorten your unwanted conversation is to make every comment about cancer.
**IMPORTANT NOTE** Simply talking about cancer isn’t always enough. Some people are actually drawn to the topic. In order for this to work, you have to be depressing and you have to make it as unpleasant as possible. Also, use the word “cancer” as much as possible. People typically respond negatively to that word.
“How you been? I ain’t see you in ages!”
“Yeah, it’s been a while. I have cancer.”
“Oh dear! I’m so sorry. What kind is it? Is it treatable? How long have you been sick?”
“I’m not just ‘sick’. That makes it sound like I have a cold. I have cancer. And I love you, but I’d rather not talk about the details. It’s too painful for me right now.”
“I totally understand, honey. So other than that, how have you been?”
“I have cancer. There’s really not a lot of ‘other than that’ stuff happening in my life these days.”
“Yeah, I suppose not. Well, I am very sorry to hear–”
“Are you alright???”
“Yeah, I’m okay. It passed. It was the cancer.”
“Well… erm… I guess I’m gonna head on. Lots of shopping to do. Take care of yourself.”
And there you go. That Hungry Man Country Fried Chicken dinner is all yours!
2. Cancer wins most arguments.
Whether it’s about politics, religion, or movies, people are very hesitant to argue with a cancer patient.
“I think you’re wrong. While the original Star Trek series was fun, the Next Generation really was a superior show in most ways.”
“I don’t know. When I need a distraction from all this cancer, the original series always brings me more joy than The Next Generation.”
“You know, on second thought, maybe you’re right. There is something to be said for good, simple fun. Maybe I’ll go watch those originals again. It’s been a long time.”
Note: To be precise, it doesn’t actually win the argument. It just makes the other person concede. But really, who cares if you’re right or not as long as everybody acts like you’re right.
Also, this works about 98% of the time. Most of us, however, have that one friend who is so obsessed with winning every argument, the cancer has no effect on them. With those people, nothing can really be done. I have a friend who wouldn’t back down even if he knew I had 4 seconds to live. I won’t embarrass him by giving his name, which is Justin.
Crap. I accidentally gave his name.
Sorry, Justin. It was an accident.
3. You can say ANYTHING
That’s right. If you get diagnosed with cancer, you no longer have to keep your opinions to yourself. This is similar to benefit number 2, but it’s not exactly the same thing. With this benefit, I’m talking about any random thing you ever want to say. And I mean anything.
You could tell someone you think Hitler was misunderstood, and – if they know you have cancer – they’ll just assume it’s the stress or something.
4. Cancer is a powerful tool for winning marriage.
Cancer grants you the power to get your spouse to do pretty much anything.
“Would you please fix dinner? Food would be wonderful right now.”
“Sure, but it might be a minute. I’m in the middle of paying all the bills.”
“Okay. Take your time. I’ll be in my office, thinking about the cancer.”
“Okay, the bills can wait. What food do you want?”
Now, I should warn you that this particular benefit comes with a price. You will feel pangs of guilt, just because it’s your spouse.
But the guilt doesn’t usually outweigh the benefit of getting someone to serve you dinner while you sit in front of your computer, ordering them around like you’re a modern Roman Emperor.
5. Crying is acceptable
When Jack Dawson makes Rose promise she’ll go horseback riding and stuff just before he sinks into the ocean, cry away. People will just assume it’s because your emotions are on edge because of the cancer. I watched Wrath of Khan the other day and when Scotty started playing those bagpipes… I sobbed so much, if someone had taken a picture, it would have become a meme. But I didn’t have to worry about anybody judging me. Why? Cancer, that’s why.
Okay, so I’ve named 5 good things, just off the top of my pointed head. I’m sure there are many, many more.
Matter of fact, if you can think of any other good aspects of having cancer, feel free to share them in the comments. I would be eager to see what you come up with.
p.s. If this is the first cancer-blog you’ve read from me, I strongly recommend you read the others, just so you’ll see that I’m not a total bastard… I just have a warped sense of humor.
Here are my previous blogs about this ordeal: