December 21st. That’s the date we keep hearing. The Mayans have told us that is the day it’s all going to go bye-bye. Well, I decided it’s time for me to research this issue so I can provide you – my readers – with the facts. We don’t want to prepare for an apocalypse that isn’t coming, but if it is coming, we need to know. In order to provide you with the most detailed information available on the subject, I started my research where any researcher worth his salt would start…
I switched the TV to channel 177 (the TV Guide Channel). Discovery Channel is channel 15 and the History Channel is channel 22. I was sure that one of those networks would have something about the end of the world. I mean, if it’s coming on December 21st, you’d think it would be the main focus of their programming.
The scroll on the TV Guide channel was at 4. Cool. I would just have to wait a few seconds and I’d at least know what was playing.
When it got to channel 10, my wife came into the room and said, “You want a cup of coffee?”
I looked at her and answered, “Sure.”
As she left the room, I looked back at the TV. The scroll was on channel 17.
Dammit, I thought. I missed Discovery!
Okay, not a big deal. I could still see what was playing on the History channel.
The scroll got to channels 18, 19, & 20.
Not only was it a commercial, but it was a commercial that took up the entire screen. The scroll showing what’s playing on other channels wasn’t there.
I thought the whole point of watching that damn channel was to see what’s playing on the other channels. If their commercials are going to be without the scroll, they can just take their preview channel and shove it up their…
So by the time the commercial was over, the scroll had moved on to some channel in the damn 30s.
Okay, I thought. It’ll be a few minutes before it scrolls back around. Because of this, I decided to just go to the History channel and see what’s on.
So I flipped it to Discovery.
I flipped it back to the TV Guide channel. The scroll was on channel 2.
My wife brought me a cup of coffee. “Here you go,” she said.
“DO NOT DISTRACT ME!” I screamed. “I’m in the middle of VERY important research!”
“Fine,” my wife said. “If you can’t be appreciative, you can make your own damn coffee.” She turned around and started to leave the room.
“Wait,” I said. “Sorry about that. It’s just that this research is very important.”
“Really?” She said as she handed me the coffee. “What are you ‘researching’ this time? Captain Kirk versus a T-Rex?”
“Don’t be a smartass,” I said. “You know that debate was settled months ago.”
“Enjoy your important research,” she said as she left the room.
I looked back at the TV screen.
The scroll was on Channel 24. I’d missed them both.
I ran into the living room where my wife was reading and screamed, “DAMN YOUR COFFEE, WOMAN!”
I quickly returned to my office and looked at the TV.
Another commercial without the scroll at the bottom.
I took several deep breaths, pushing back the rage.
It’s not the TV’s fault. Don’t destroy the TV over this.
When the commercial was over, it was on channel 53.
Resisting the urge to drive my remote through the screen, I turned it back to the History channel.
Then I turned it to Discovery.
In a rage, I turned off the TV, then threw the remote across the room.
My wife walked into the room and asked, “What was that noise? Are you throwing the remote again? Please don’t do that.”
I looked at her and screamed, “YOUR COFFEE CAUSED THE END OF THE DAMN WORLD!”
In retrospect, I’m not really sure what I meant by that.
So… after all that work… I have come to an important conclusion in regards to the end of the world:
The TV Guide Channel sucks.
Topia is coming soon! Be sure to catch up on the first two books in the Day Soldiers trilogy in time to see how it all ends.
Available at the following retailers. Purging Fires is available in paperback and ebook formats: