Movie Monday: The Hobbit Review

by Brandon

With the upcoming DVD/Blue Ray release of The Hobbit, I figure it’s a good time to do a review of the movie.

I saw this movie the weekend it released. In this review, I’ll cover the important stuff.

Important Stuff #1: Butt Soreness

Let’s face it. Director Peter Jackson likes to make our butts sore.

To my readers who want to turn that comment into something dirty (and if I know my readers, there are many of you who want to) shut up.

I’m just saying Jackson makes us sit in movie theater seats for extremely long periods of time. From all three Lord of the Rings movies to King Kong, Jackson is a sadist when it comes to torturing the derriere. Obviously, the duration of time before hard-butt syndrome kicks in varies depending on the seat comfort of individual theaters.

So how does The Hobbit rank in regards to making your butt sore?

Well, you start to feel it about 2/3 through, so I’d say it’s better than the Lord of the Rings trilogy but worse than King Kong.

Mr. Jackson, I like that you’ve brought epic films back to mainstream audiences.

Now, if you could also bring back intermissions, I’d appreciate it.

Important Stuff # 2: Kili

Seriously. What’s up with this guy?

He’s clearly not a dwarf. He doesn’t have a dwarf nose, a dwarf forehead, or a dwarf build. He’s obviously just a short dude who started roaming with the dwarves and they were too drunk to notice he wasn’t a dwarf. It’s a shame he’s not comfortable with his own height.

And if he is a dwarf, do they make fun of him for being funny looking? I hope so.

I suppose that’s one of the great things about Middle Earth. If you’re insecure about your height, you can always just find a bunch of dwarves to hang with. I guess it’s a “in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king” kind of thing.

Important Stuff # 3: Eagles

I’m just gonna come out and say it… the eagles of Middle Earth are total assholes. When I saw the Lord of the Rings, I wondered the same thing everybody else wondered: Why didn’t the eagles just fly Frodo to Mordor?

Well, The Hobbit answers that question. They didn’t do it because they’re assholes.

SPOILER ALERT – Highlight the space below to read:

The eagles saved the dwarves at one point in the film, which I admit is cool. But what did they do after they saved them? They dropped them off on top of a cliff with no obvious way down. And what’s worse, the dwarves’ actual destination was in sight. So the eagles saved them, then apparently said, “Okay, that’s enough. Our good karma quota is met. I’m not taking the extra 15 minutes to fly you to your actual destination. A few extra weeks of climbing through these mountains won’t kill you. You’re dwarves, after all.” And before anybody could say, “Uh, could you at least help us down from this cliff?” they just flew away.

Yeah. Assholes.

END SPOILER.

***

The Final Verdict:

So is The Hobbit a good time? Is it worth the hard-ass and the imposter dwarf and the realization that eagles are beautiful assholes, just like the people you hated in high school?

Yes.

I loved it.

There are some fairly major differences between the movie and the book, but I’m okay with that. Film is a different medium, and I think Jackson did a good job keeping the spirit of the book intact.

And luckily, with the movie coming out on DVD, you can just pause it when you feel you’ve been sitting too long. Win!

Overall, I give it 17.432 Hale-Stars. I think that really says it all.

–Brandon

_______________________________________________________

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Dan O. March 20, 2013 at 1:51 AM

Solid review Brandon. After the slow hour or so, the movie then picks up and gets more intense and engaging. Not as crazily intense as the LOTR trilogy, but still works for what it is.

Reply

Brandon March 20, 2013 at 3:32 AM

Yeah, I totally agree. The tone isn’t nearly as intense as LotR, but neither is the book, so it worked for me.

Reply

John March 22, 2013 at 7:28 PM

All good points, but regarding the Eagles, the reason they didn’t just fly Frodo to Mordor is because they had their own battles to fight up north somewhere. Few people know just how much detail Tolkien didn’t put in the books. If I’m right in remembering, at the time of the battle of Pelennor, Lorien was burning, there was a battle in mirkwood or Erebor or somewhere. Everywhere was fighting for middle-earth, so give the Eagles some slack.
As for their actions in the Hobbit … well, okay, I got nothing.

Reply

Brandon March 22, 2013 at 7:53 PM

Yeah, I’ve actually read similar things about the Eagles. I also read in a blog reviewing the Hobbit that they were just jerks, so I’m not sure which one to believe.

(Full disclosure: I wrote the blog to which I referred in the preceding statement)

Reply

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