Six things to consider before you wish for a zombie apocalypse…

by Brandon

I see it often. Whether it’s from Facebook posts, tweets on Twitter, or just part of random conversations, I see people who seem to be wishing for a zombie apocalypse. Well, to those of you who want this to happen, I find myself wondering if you’ve really thought it through…

I’m sure you have visions of being a total badass, saving people’s lives, creating awesome weapons, and maybe even becoming some kind of warlord. Well, before you get too carried away, here are some things about the zombie apocalypse you should consider…

1. You’ll probably die on the first day.

Yeah. I said it. Most likely, you’ll die on day one. You know that crazy old man who lives in the woods in a bunker he built in the 1960s? He’s probably going to survive, but you won’t. When the world falls apart, you’ll probably be at a department store or a grocery store or at work or at a gas station or asleep. If you’re really lucky, you’ll be at home. If you’re at home, you might have a small chance of surviving, but I doubt it.

My point is, if you’re away from home when it hits, you’ll be surrounded by panicked, freaked out mobs of people. When the world goes to hell, it’s very unlikely that your perfect survival plan will be doable.

Most likely, you’ll be stuck in the center of a giant crowd of people, screaming for them to get out of the way so you can meet up with your peeps at the hardware store (step one of your plan). Don’t worry, though… your peeps probably won’t miss you. In all likelihood, they’ll be dead too.

I mean, everybody thinks they’re part of the 10% who will survive that first day, but the truth is, most of us are just part of the 90% who will be zombie food. It’s simple math. You can’t have an apocalypse if everybody survives.

But okay… I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt here. Let’s say you survive. Eventually, you’re gonna have to go take care of some personal business… which leads me to number two (pun intended)…

2. No toilets.

Sooner or later,  our water systems will fail. No more toilets. That might not seem like a big deal, but eventually it’s gonna’ suck. Finding somewhere to do your business is not going to be easy. If you’re holed up in a house somewhere, you can’t just let it pile up in the bathroom and it’s probably a bad idea to throw it out a window. Besides disease, bacteria, and general nastiness, I’m pretty sure it’s going to attract the undead. And the bigger your group, the worse the problem.

Sure, it can be overcome, but it won’t be fun. And if you happen to be unfortunate enough to have some kind of bowel disorder, consider yourself screwed.

Continuing the bad pun, number two leads me to number three….

3. The stink will be horrid.

If you’re easily bothered by bad odors, life is about to get very hard for you. The world will be a cesspool of stink. Urine, feces, body odor, bad breath, vomit, decaying flesh… those will be the smells of the zombie apocalypse. Have you ever been hiking and stumbled across a decaying animal? Yeah, it’s a horrifying odor. That smell will be everywhere.

And give up on any kind of real intimacy. Thanks to the general lack of showers and toilet paper, pretty much every person you meet will have swamp ass.

4. Medicine

Do you take blood pressure medicine? Or maybe just something for your migraines? Yeah, say goodbye to that. Every person and their grandmother will be raiding the pharmacies that first week, which means those places will be overrun by the undead and the panicked living.

And if you happen to have a condition that requires medicine to keep you alive, goodbye. Was nice knowing you.

5. The people you hate most will be the people running the world.

You know the people I mean… the guy you have to avoid eye contact with because he’ll see it as a threat to his manhood and respond with a, “What are you lookin’ at!” The guy who loves to use the word “whoop.” The guy who wants to fight because he thinks you glanced at his girlfriend. The guy who thinks it should be perfectly legal to beat up people for being sissies.

Yeah. That guy.

He’ll thrive. He and his friends will be everywhere. And they will be armed.

You think that guy is bad now… well, you really don’t want to glance at his girlfriend after the zombie apocalypse starts.

6. There won’t be a Star Wars: Episode VII

This is the most important thing you should consider. We’ve lived our entire lives thinking Episode VII wasn’t going to happen, then a few months ago… BAM! An announcement that George Lucas has written the outline, JJ Abrams has agreed to direct, and – best of all – Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, and Mark Hamill are most likely coming back for it.

Think about that.

NEW STAR WARS!

Han Solo!

Han Solo is making a comeback!

Holy.

Frickin’.

Moly.

A zombie apocalypse would take that away from us.

I want you to think about that the next time you feel the urge to say you’re looking forward to the ZA.

I swear to everything I hold holy, if a zombie apocalypse cheats me out of new Star Wars movies, I will hunt you down.

Anyway…

So there you have it.

Six important things you should consider before you go wishing for a zombie apocalypse.

–Brandon

p.s. I mean it. If I get cheated out of new Star Wars because of a zombie apocalypse, watch your back, ZA wisher, because I’ll be taking my rage out on you. Even if I’m a zombie, I’ll find you.

 


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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

MutantFreak August 12, 2013 at 1:17 AM

BEST article on the realism of a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE so far…I went through the aftermath of hurricane Katrina…being without power for the duration in august and far beyond was no joke(we eventually got out an headed north to a shelter) seeing how a world class American city morphed into a 3rd world country overnight was mind blowing.The BAD people you mention taking things over was a reality for all of us in New Orleans. the hungry panic deserted angry masses of people who took advantage of the situation to loot for TV’s and shoes oppose to the people looking for food and medicine who had went looking for food,the people who were looking for items to survive had to get through thousands of people overrunning the Walmart uptown,every store you can think about BANKS gun stores,DOWNTOWN New Orleans was a sight to see,(picture TIMES SQUARE as it is today turned into the scene from 28 WEEKS later mixed with children of men)…pharmacies…the rapes,the outbreaks of murders,the pitch black,every place you would think someone would go for help was overrun with ANGRY hungry people,so your options were limited, most of the police defected and fled the city the power grids were down(obviously) all this was long before the social media networks became as popular as they are now,so imagine ALL the people who can’t go without updating every single step they take on twitter or facebook and instagram,alot of those people are so engrossed in social media they walk right out in front of city busses or fall into artificial ponds at the MALL do to having short attention spans for finding status updates more important than being on their guard…so imagine those people without their technical drugs.most of us rely on electricity OBVIOUSLY)so when the power grids go down and the food runs out like it did in New Orleans it WON’T be FUN at all…all these ZA wishers who take it SERIOUSLY without thinking about the REAL HARSH affects a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE would have on society need to stop and think about REAL issues that people face in natural disasters or WAR torn countries and inject ZOMBIES or INFECTED like in 28 days later or without injecting zombies,and then realize YOU woin’t find those situation “FUN” it won’t be a scripted event like a MOVIE so your “Rambo” fantasy is going to be met with ACTUALITY as soon as the MEDIA blackouts of the events can no longer hold back the truth and the riots you hear about unflolding throughout the U.S than the world start to make it to your city and you realize it’s NOT riots overall,but a mix of INFECTED PEOPLE turning and FUCKING people up and unchained chaos mixed with people who are in a panic trying to get out of the cities…coupled with people who would be LOOTING for items and no riots over a political leader not doing their job.but people fighing off attacks from both the living and the infected/dead…imagine yourself in a situation like the aftermath of hurricane Katrina mixed with zombies..THAT’S what it would be like,look up the KATRINA aftermath videos on youtube or just any the LA riots how innocent people were being attacked,would you zombie WISHERS bristly walk through a situation like THAT?! hell NO! an I know most of them WON’T because most people overestimate their abilities and have big EGO’S until something brings them down to reality…so trust me I experienced something close to a “zombie invasion” not APOCALYPSE because at least we were able to relocated throughout the U.S…New Orleans and surrounding affected areas were blocked off by the government like the film THE CRAZIES…so imagine the horror that one city went through(even though there was warning and many people heed that warning…the gulf has been hit by many hurricanes before without anything ever happening like hurricane Katrina so people became jaded) every evil idiot with sick thoughts use the aftermath of hurricane Katrina to RAPE,MURDER,TORTURE any thing they wanted WHO was going to stop them.but those who had the means to the COPS were all but gone,and the few who were left were overwhelmed,so the national guard came in…believe it or not and the governor at the time called for a shoot to kill order…innocent people who were on dry patches of the city with generators and food who had guns to protect themselves from murderous,crazy thugs with GUNS had their doors kicked in and had their guns confiscated by U.S Marshals(they were FEW off them too)so how were those people going to protect themselves? because the Marshals didn’t…it was a HORRID situation for everyone down there UTTER chaos for over 3weeks almost…so take into account that through ALL the chaos… those people who didn’t have to deal with truly thoughtless persistent ravenous infected cannibals,instead we had to deal with sick sociopaths,psychos ,angry,hungry people who wanted to take your stuff but yet those people could possibly be convinced to back the fuck off an it ZOMBIES can’t and STILL it was a warzone…so I can attest to the FACT that those citizens of New Orleans who held on to any shred of focus and rationality got a glimpse into what an aspect of a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE would not only look like but be like except a real ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE would be wide spread and far more WORSE,we had somewhere to flee to,all the STATES around us where everyone else was okay…so you zombie wishers try facing THAT first without your daily “comforts” to keep you happy…strip ALL that away.your AC’S and night lights,fridges full of food,working toilets,stores full of food…even FOOD BANKS if you need help getting food,electricity running water,medicine at hand when or if you need it,facebook,malls,video games,movies and fun…take all that away in one night and replace that with shiting in buckets,and eating old wet pop tarts and whatever you can find in an overrun store…then throw ZOMBIES into the mix between you and the stores….you are going to have to come out your safe house “RAMBO’S” to find something to eat,if you’re not inside some underground prepper bunker with food and weapons galore(WHICH MOST OF US DON’T HAVE) sorry for the RANT but when I hear people who are quit SERIUOS about this without really thinking it through it’s funny.but it pisses me off because a lot of people overestimate their skills because they have no context to test what they know in any real situation other than playing a zombie game or watching the movies…O’m not saying “don’t have fun and fantasize and exchange ideas” but when you say shit like “I’ll fuck those zombies up like Leon s. Kennedy” or my 4 friends an I are going to be the REAL left 4 dead” more like “4 dead left”

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Alex February 12, 2016 at 4:58 PM

Hi, I read your comment. I too was a survivor of hurricane Katrina. My family and I were going to move in a few weeks when the hurricane hit. (I was about 14 at the time) We were Christians and believed that God had been telling us to move, but we decided to stay longer, dad we did now.

The aftermath of hurricane Katrina truly was horrific. We were near the coast so it was that much worse. I had to watch my father die when the hurricane really hit. I don’t remember much because of how traumatic it was, and I’m lucky to be alive.

I was incapacitated for a while, and when my mother finally got me to wake up, she told me to grab my brother and get somewhere were people could see me, that way I would be found. I told her to get up and come with me, but she must have been wedged between rubble because she said sh couldn’t move. I decided to stay with her and after a while she just collapsed. I pulle don her for what felt like hours and she just would come up. She died right next to me. I decided to get to higher ground, maybe a roof or something, and I was carrying my brother who was about 8 weeks old, my mother had been holding him tightly so he only had scratches.

I’m not completely sure where we were, I remember being out with my parents, but I can’t recal now. I met this nice couple that said they were heading somewhere safer do I followed them.

I don’t even remember where we were going, I was so out of myself. All I remember was that we came across this group of men when the sun was starting set and they grabbed us.

I remember waking up in a severely damaged building with rope tied around my hands, but not my feet, like the man of the couple I was with.

The woman wasn’t in sight, or atleast I don’t remember, it was very dark, definitely night time. All I remember of that was her screaming to stop. Now I only imagine that they were having their way with her. The people that were hungry and angry truly were rampant and I wondered how all these people could be so horrible, but never the less they were.

I remember shifting my way out of the ropes because they were loosely tied. I didn’t see my brother anywhere and couldn’t find him for the life of me. So I assumed he was dead.

I untied the man and woke him up. He had bad cuts on his face and I remember that he had a large cut down the right side of his left leg. I couldn’t tell how much blood he had lost because of the darkness and the water in the room. He asked me if his girlfriend was ok, and then I remembered the screaming. It had stopped. When I went out of the building, I could barely see anything. I saw some lights here and there, probably flashlights but in not sure. I heard another yell, a little ways away. I slowly made my way toward the occasional scream I would hear, and it became louder, until I finally saw a the group of men, several holding flashlights. They were forcing themselves on her, and it was horrific, it’s hard to think about it even now. I remember waiting until several of the men left, and there were only two with her. I’m not sure what the others were doing but they had been gone for a good time. The woman was laying on the ground, her clothes tattered and torn, and day was rolling around.

After a while, one of the men got up and left. There was only her and the other man. I was contemplating whether or not to confront him or just leave her behind and look for help, and I was getting hungry, but then I heard my little brother crying. It worked something up inside of me and I was filled with rage. I could never forget those cries of agony from my little brother, they were cries of pain. The man that was still with her heard the cry as well and turned around to see what was going on. something came over me and I lunged toward his turned back. I don’t remember what I did, but just tat there was a loud noise, and another, and another. I only remember up to the lunge, and then came to to see the man on the ground, and the pistol he was holding in my hands. I looked to my left and saw another one of the men on the ground.

I disregarded what happened and helped te lady up. We started toward a large building that hadn’t collapsed, hopefully there were people there.

We were almost there, when she commented on my walking. I too had noticed that my left leg was getting heavy, but had brushed it off. She took a look at it and said that I was bleeding profusely! She told me she could bandage me with my shirt but we needed to get medical attention immediately. I started to black out after that, and do t remember much of anything else except for her saying, what about the baby?…

So if anyone wishes that the ZA apocalypse would happen is a retard.

Reply

Malachi Coleman May 28, 2014 at 5:54 PM

#1 I don’t care if I die. #2 I can shit and piss anywhere else and wipe with some old clothing. #3 So what? #4 Like I said before, I don’t mind dying. #5 Fuck Star Wars

Here are the reasons why a zombie apocalypse needs to happen
#1 Our control freak government will be non existent, we can finally actually be free. Without the fucking government breathing down our necks and watching us constanty.
#2 There will be no laws. You can kill anyone you want. You can literally do anything you want that’s human possible.

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That guy June 25, 2014 at 6:13 AM

Yay I’m number 5 I’m gonna be running shit up in here up in here!

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Cmnsens October 6, 2014 at 9:40 PM

So I’m guessing the author doesn’t conceal carry.

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Iaintnopussy October 7, 2014 at 7:08 AM

2, 3, 5 and 6 is bullshit.

2 is simple, just pee or shit on the ground.

3 IF it stinks your nose will get used to it.

5 those guys has the same chance to die on the first day.

6 I don’t even.

And depending on hos these zombies might act, you can just smash their brains out with an axe or something

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mike October 26, 2014 at 2:59 AM

Try living in an outhouse(pit toilet) for a week and let people fill it up with their shit everyday and see how “used to it” you’ll get. It’s gonna be 10 times worse in a zombie apocalypse, pussy.

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BetterThanYou June 12, 2016 at 3:07 AM

Its called “not going in the same fucking place over and over” fucking retard.

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BohdanBazooka October 10, 2014 at 2:06 PM

If the zombie apocalypse is the only thing that can stop Disney and Abrams from ruining Star Wars franchise, then let it happen!

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Ash December 6, 2015 at 1:10 PM

None of these reasons really bother me. Because as he said, the people who will most likely live are the ones that have built a bunker in the woods. Well, I actually live pretty far away from the busy city and the nearest house to my family is half an hour away. And I barely go out – everyday, I’m just sitting in my house, training for zombies. I only go out once a week when my mum forces me to go shopping with her for only an hour and a half.

And even then, I still carry a pocket knife around with me and in my family’s car, there is always extra baseball bats and golf clubs. So.. Yeah.. The first one doesn’t really apply to me – I’m already loaded with knifes, bats, weapons and food like MRE’s – we tend to get canned food too because it’s easier to get on our shopping trips once a week.

As for the second one – I barely actually take showers. Well, not really. Basically, I have a shower every 2 days but it’s kinda hard sometimes because I’m out her, away from loads of other houses. So sometimes, I don’t have showers for over 4 days and I’m quite alright with it. I’ve gotten used to it and it doesn’t bother me – I hate showering anyways. The toilets are a problem though – however, I only need to do the toilet once every 3 days: I’m pretty sure that if I do it like that and in separate places, then it won’t attract zombies and I would be able to endure it. Plus, I’ve always planned myself going solo in the zombie apocalypse – so nobody will be with me to go to the toilet if they need it.

The third one – I can actually stand really bad smells. This man died nearby my family’s house one day and we didn’t realise for a few weeks. So when we finally found his body, it was rotten and incredibly smelly – plus, I had to stay around it for more than 6 hours. If I’m going with my usual zombie plan, then I won’t actually be near bad smells. But if I do, then it’ll only be for a few hours : I can handle that.

As for the 4th reason, I take no medicine. Except for the times I’m sneezing and I need to take some medical syrup. That only happens once in a few weeks and I have this big bottle that would last more than 7 months.

The 5th one – I don’t have major enemies. There’s only some people that get on my nerves sometimes. I think I’d be able to handle the people I hate being in control because honestly, if it’s a zombie apocalypse, then actually, some people would feel closer cuz more than 3/4 of the world would be dead. And if I’m going with my plan, then I won’t be around the survivors anyways.

As for the 6th one, like I said, my family lives really far away from people. Usually, that affects how much time on the television we get – and the Internet connection. So, the only movies I watch are The Hunger Games and Twilight. They are already finished and I have the books of them so I won’t be that annoyed if I couldn’t see them ever again. Plus, I only read zombie books, not movies. And I’ve got tons of zombie stories that I would take with me. I’d be pretty upset if The Walking Dead went but then again, I would be actually properly living The Walking Dead if a zombie apocalypse came.

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Anon June 23, 2016 at 7:23 PM

None of those reason are problems for me and I’m a really sporty guy, like I could run 4/5 hours at 18km/h without being exausted at all mostly because I do 3h of fitness and bodybuilding(not in mass but in strength, I’m not a body builder but thank google translate for that word) per day
On top of that i know a lot of survival skills and also i know well my science and math and computer science
so i know how to build weapon explosives, craft medecine and shit
I’m also really good at cooking and in chemistry
don’t have any health issues and a lot of material in my basement, but like a LOT(rooms of it)
on top of that my elder sister is in the army and one of the most fluent in it
anyway in my familly we like to be “exelent in everything” and we are and on top of that I have almost no empaty even for my close ones even if i love them I wouldn’t be devastated of their death and could achieve them without worrying if i had to
so i think i migth be a survivor ^^

plus we are not really like the mass and wouldn’t run to the supermaket or police office
seriously it is the dumbest idea

and finally I know how to access the basement of my city and I can go anywhere in the city by walking underground

where no one never is so yeah me and my sister would be the warrior survival duo
but by ourselves we would be good to

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