I see it often. Whether it’s from Facebook posts, tweets on Twitter, or just part of random conversations, I see people who seem to be wishing for a zombie apocalypse. Well, to those of you who want this to happen, I find myself wondering if you’ve really thought it through…
I’m sure you have visions of being a total badass, saving people’s lives, creating awesome weapons, and maybe even becoming some kind of warlord. Well, before you get too carried away, here are some things about the zombie apocalypse you should consider…
1. You’ll probably die on the first day.
Yeah. I said it. Most likely, you’ll die on day one. You know that crazy old man who lives in the woods in a bunker he built in the 1960s? He’s probably going to survive, but you won’t. When the world falls apart, you’ll probably be at a department store or a grocery store or at work or at a gas station or asleep. If you’re really lucky, you’ll be at home. If you’re at home, you might have a small chance of surviving, but I doubt it.
My point is, if you’re away from home when it hits, you’ll be surrounded by panicked, freaked out mobs of people. When the world goes to hell, it’s very unlikely that your perfect survival plan will be doable.
Most likely, you’ll be stuck in the center of a giant crowd of people, screaming for them to get out of the way so you can meet up with your peeps at the hardware store (step one of your plan). Don’t worry, though… your peeps probably won’t miss you. In all likelihood, they’ll be dead too.
I mean, everybody thinks they’re part of the 10% who will survive that first day, but the truth is, most of us are just part of the 90% who will be zombie food. It’s simple math. You can’t have an apocalypse if everybody survives.
But okay… I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt here. Let’s say you survive. Eventually, you’re gonna have to go take care of some personal business… which leads me to number two (pun intended)…
2. No toilets.
Sooner or later, our water systems will fail. No more toilets. That might not seem like a big deal, but eventually it’s gonna’ suck. Finding somewhere to do your business is not going to be easy. If you’re holed up in a house somewhere, you can’t just let it pile up in the bathroom and it’s probably a bad idea to throw it out a window. Besides disease, bacteria, and general nastiness, I’m pretty sure it’s going to attract the undead. And the bigger your group, the worse the problem.
Sure, it can be overcome, but it won’t be fun. And if you happen to be unfortunate enough to have some kind of bowel disorder, consider yourself screwed.
Continuing the bad pun, number two leads me to number three….
3. The stink will be horrid.
If you’re easily bothered by bad odors, life is about to get very hard for you. The world will be a cesspool of stink. Urine, feces, body odor, bad breath, vomit, decaying flesh… those will be the smells of the zombie apocalypse. Have you ever been hiking and stumbled across a decaying animal? Yeah, it’s a horrifying odor. That smell will be everywhere.
And give up on any kind of real intimacy. Thanks to the general lack of showers and toilet paper, pretty much every person you meet will have swamp ass.
Do you take blood pressure medicine? Or maybe just something for your migraines? Yeah, say goodbye to that. Every person and their grandmother will be raiding the pharmacies that first week, which means those places will be overrun by the undead and the panicked living.
And if you happen to have a condition that requires medicine to keep you alive, goodbye. Was nice knowing you.
5. The people you hate most will be the people running the world.
You know the people I mean… the guy you have to avoid eye contact with because he’ll see it as a threat to his manhood and respond with a, “What are you lookin’ at!” The guy who loves to use the word “whoop.” The guy who wants to fight because he thinks you glanced at his girlfriend. The guy who thinks it should be perfectly legal to beat up people for being sissies.
Yeah. That guy.
He’ll thrive. He and his friends will be everywhere. And they will be armed.
You think that guy is bad now… well, you really don’t want to glance at his girlfriend after the zombie apocalypse starts.
6. There won’t be a Star Wars: Episode VII
This is the most important thing you should consider. We’ve lived our entire lives thinking Episode VII wasn’t going to happen, then a few months ago… BAM! An announcement that George Lucas has written the outline, JJ Abrams has agreed to direct, and – best of all – Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, and Mark Hamill are most likely coming back for it.
Think about that.
NEW STAR WARS!
Han Solo is making a comeback!
A zombie apocalypse would take that away from us.
I want you to think about that the next time you feel the urge to say you’re looking forward to the ZA.
I swear to everything I hold holy, if a zombie apocalypse cheats me out of new Star Wars movies, I will hunt you down.
So there you have it.
Six important things you should consider before you go wishing for a zombie apocalypse.
p.s. I mean it. If I get cheated out of new Star Wars because of a zombie apocalypse, watch your back, ZA wisher, because I’ll be taking my rage out on you. Even if I’m a zombie, I’ll find you.