The Amazing Spider-Man Review

by Brandon

When it comes to The Amazing Spider-Man, the most common question asked is this: “Did we really need a reboot so soon after the last movie?”

Well, I think that question is outside the scope of this review. Whether or not a reboot was necessary is up to you to decide for yourself. In this review, I’m just going to try to answer one question: Should you go watch The Amazing Spider-Man?

My answer:

It really depends on what you see when you look in the mirror.

I’ll explain…

After my wife and I watched The Amazing Spider-Man, I reacted like any normal person would react… I desperately wanted to make my own Spider-Man suit and run around back alleys and crouch on the corners of rooftops. For the entire trip home, I planned the costume in my head.

The pants are solid blue, so a pair of blue sweat pants should work fine there. I could probably find a Spider-Man shirt and maybe even a mask. Some red boots and red gloves and my transformation would be complete!

But what about the webs?

Obviously, “canned string” is the answer.

The only problem remaining was how to connect the mask to the shirt and the shirt to the pants. I shrugged that problem off, deciding I’d web-swing across that bridge when I came to it.

So I had it all planned out. Of course, I didn’t mention it to my wife, because I knew she would respond by making fun of me for the time I hurt myself while hulking out.

We got home and I ran up the porch steps on my hands and feet (like a proper Spider-Man would), ignoring my wife’s “You’re 38 years old” comment.

Age is just a number. I learned that from a former coworker who dated women half his age. It was really his life-motto.

I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I wanted to get a good mental picture of what I’d look like as the Spider-Man. After several Spidey-poses, I came to a horrible realization.

I have a bit of a belly, and the Spider-Man costume is very unforgiving. It’s tight… and there’s no cape to hide under.

I tried several methods to overcome this. I took an old back-wrap and wrapped it around my waist.

No good.

I tried sucking it in.

Definitely no good.

Finally, I did a drawing to help me decide – once and for all – if I could make this costume look cool. Here’s the drawing:

 

The drawing really brought home what I was already beginning to suspect.

I can’t look cool in a Spider-Man costume.

I suppose I could start working out, but let’s be honest here… that’s not going to happen.

So here I am… extremely disappointed because I can’t crouch on the edge of rooftops as Spider-Man.

And that leads me back to the original question. Should you watch The Amazing Spider-Man?

After you see it, you’ll want to dress up as Spider-Man. It’s going to happen. So before you go, I recommend that you look at yourself in the mirror. If you can pull off the suit, go watch this movie. If you don’t have the body for the suit, don’t bother with the movie. You’ll end up feeling like crap.

I suppose you could convince a small friend to make the costume and just live vicariously through him.

–Brandon

p.s. If you’re female, I don’t really have an answer for you. Women watch super hero movies for reasons I don’t fully understand. I guess you could do a concept costume of a female Spider-Man. If that’s your hope, then the same advice applies to you.

p.p.s. Gary, I’ll be sending you an email about making yourself a Spider-Man costume.

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Jake Phillips July 5, 2012 at 5:53 PM

You had a Spidey costume 20 years ago. It was pretty cool.

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Brandon July 5, 2012 at 6:14 PM

20 years ago it worked.

And even then, only sort of.
Brandon recently posted..The Amazing Spider-Man ReviewMy Profile

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Doug Lamoreux July 6, 2012 at 3:46 AM

Absolutely the best review of the Amazing Spider-Man I have ever, and surely will ever, read.

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Brandon July 12, 2012 at 10:02 PM

Thanks, Doug!
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