Okay. Before I start this one, I need to make one thing absolutely clear:
I hate spiders.
I should point out that I never use the word “hate” lightly. Normally, I save my hate for the things that deeply deserve it. I only hate the really evil things in the world, like Betty White and the movie Teen Wolf, Too.
They’re monstrous little demons that evoke immediate horror and rage in me that cannot be properly expressed with something as crude as words.
So yeah. I hate spiders.
Now that that’s covered, I’ll tell you about my dilemma…
A group of spiders have set up shop on my porch. I don’t know how many. Maybe it’s 10 spiders or maybe it’s just one spider that’s a very hard worker. All I know is that the railing on my porch is regularly covered in spider-webs. Even if I destroy the webs, the next day, they’re back. Intricate and admittedly beautiful little death traps that have been spun between the rails.
And they’re very effective. The webs almost always have bugs in them.
Just yesterday, I stepped on the porch and saw a little fly stuck in the web. As I watched it struggle, I thought, “Come on, little guy, you can get out of that!”
Then it came.
From above the fly, a spider shot down with lightning speed. It grabbed the fly and started spinning a web around the poor little bastard.
I had no idea spiders could actually do that.
You know that scene in Lord of the Rings where the giant spider (Shelob) spun a web around Frodo?
Yeah, it was exactly like that.
It was one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever seen in my life.
And the webs themselves are pretty terrifying. Every time I step on my porch, I expect to see my entire house covered in a giant web, like in that spider movie that starred Captain Kirk.
You know, this movie:
So yeah. It’s horrifying.
So what’s the dilemma?
Well, it’s this…
The spiders don’t really come inside the house. And since the spiders have set up their death traps under my porch railing, we’ve had almost no bugs inside our house.
And that makes me wonder… are they actually keeping the bugs out of our house?
Maybe it’s not that they’re brutal demons straight from the depths of Hell. Maybe it’s more like this:
And if that’s what it’s like, these spiders are really like the X-Men. They fight to protect the very people who fear and hate them.
So that’s my dilemma.
On the one hand, they might be protecting my house from bugs.
On the other hand, they’re spiders.
Oh well. I’ll think of something.
UPDATE: After much thought (about 15 seconds, total) I’ve decided the best course of action is to systematically destroy all the spiders. While I appreciate their attempt to protect my house, I just can’t get past one important fact: They’re spiders.