My wife is fascinated by Titanic, and I don’t just mean the movie. She’s fascinated by the entire tale of that great ship and its sad fate. Naturally, when Cameron made the movie, she loved it. And since Cameron is also the champion of 3D – in a time when terrible 3D transitions are the norm – I figured I’d be a good husband and take her to see Titanic in 3D.
While in line to get the ticket, I saw something that horrified me. I wish the English language had a word that was stronger than “horrified,” because that word doesn’t do justice to the feeling that was in my heart when I saw what I saw…
There were two people selling tickets. A young man and a young woman. To my horror, I realized that I knew the young man. And not only did I know him… he was a friend on Facebook. A nice, likeable guy and normally, it’s good to see him.
But not this day.
On this day, he was about to see me – a man – buying tickets for Titanic.
“You get the tickets,” I said to my wife. “I’ll go get the popcorn.”
“I didn’t bring my purse,” my wife said.
Of course, she didn’t.
“Of course, you didn’t.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
I sighed. “Nothing.”
I pulled my cap down low and put on my sunglasses.
My wife looked at me and said, “What are you doing? You look like you’re going to rob the place.”
“Blame your purse,” I said.
I know, that didn’t make a lot of sense, but I said it anyway.
We got to the counter and a small miracle happened. The girl I didn’t know sold us the tickets. “Two for Titanic,” I whispered.
“I’m sorry?” The girl asked.
Fighting the urge to punch her in the ear, I repeated, “Two for Titanic.”
She gave me the tickets and I paid. The entire time the guy I knew was fooling around with his cash register. He didn’t even look up. Relief flooded through me as I started to walk away.
“Oh, hey Brandon.”
I cursed the gods.
“How you doin?”
“Good,” I said. “Taking the wife to watch a movie.”
“Titanic, I see.”
The son of a centaur had noticed.
“Yeah,” I said casually. “Being a good husband.”
“This was your idea,” the wife said. She was smiling.
Sometimes, the very things I love about my wife are the same things that make me want to kick her in the shin.
I decided there was no subtle way out of this. “Don’t tell anybody I’m watching Titanic, okay man?”
He smiled. “I’m telling everybody.”
“IF YOU SAY A ****ING WORD TO ANYONE I WILL KILL EVERY HUMAN YOU EVER LOVED!”
I didn’t say “****ING.” I don’t even know how you’d pronounce that. My wife just doesn’t like me to use curse words on my blog.
The movie guy laughed nervously. “I was joking. Your secret’s safe with me.”
“Give me a pen and some paper,” I said.
He handed me a piece of paper and a pen. I wrote the following agreement on the paper:
“I, the movie-guy, do hereby swear to never reveal to any human being on this planet that Brandon watched Titanic 3D. If I tell anybody, he has the right to take everything I own in compensation, up to and including my first-born son.”
I handed the paper to him.
“I’m not signing that,” he said.
“Why not?” I asked. “If you’re not telling anybody, what’s the problem?”
“It says I have to give you my first-born son.”
“Only if you tell, brother,” I explained. “Only if you tell.”
“I’m not signing that.”
“Brandon,” my wife said, “the movie’s about to start.”
“I don’t care,” I said, still staring at the movie guy.
“Do you want to miss the ‘I’m the king of the world’ moment?” my wife asked.
Dammit. I do love that moment.
As we walked toward the theater, I pointed at the guy. “I’ll be watching you, Movie Man. You’re bound by patron/customer privilege.”
“That’s doctor/patient privilege. It doesn’t exist here.”
I stepped toward him.
“King of the world,” my wife whispered.
Since that day, I’ve watched the guy on Facebook. He still hasn’t told anybody.
At least not publicly.
It’s now been three days. I don’t worry about it as much as I used to. Hopefully, I can sleep tonight.
Oh yeah, the review…
Titanic was the same as it was 15 years ago, but this time it was in 3D.