Two Words You Should Never Say to Landfill Workers

by Brandon

“Dead hooker.”

I probably should explain…

I’ll start with the back story. Several months ago, I took our trash to the local landfill. One of the bags was filled with cat litter (I had recently changed our cats’ litter box). It was very heavy. I pulled in and popped the trunk. Immediately, the older gentleman that works there went to help me.

He picked up the bag that had the cat litter and said, “Whoah… that’s a heavy one.”

“Yeah,” I replied. “Dead hooker.”

Obviously, I was joking.

He laughed nervously, and tossed the bag in the dumpster.

As I drove away, I saw the guy (in my rear view mirror) pulling the bag back out of the dumpster.

When I told this story to my wife, she said, “He probably knew you were kidding, but they might have some rule that they have to check them when something like that is said.”

Poor guy. The guilt plagued me for months.

Well, today, I finally had a chance to make up for it. Today I took the trash to the landfill and had another heavy bag of cat litter.

This time, my wife was in the car with me. As we pulled up, my wife said, “Just don’t say anything. Throw the trash away and move on.”

“Right,” I said.

I got out of the car and immediately saw that it was a different older man, but that was okay. I would just make sure this guy didn’t have to go digging in that dumpster. Honestly, I felt kind of like a super hero.

He reached for the cat litter bag and I stopped him. “I’ll get this one,” I said. “It’s heavy.”

“Oh, thanks,” the nice man said.

So far so good.

“It’s cat litter,” I explained.

“Ah,” the man said.

“Yeah. It’s cat litter,” I said again. Just to make sure he understood, I added, “It’s definitely not the severed head of a dead hooker.”

The man laughed nervously.

Damn. He was nervous. Maybe it was because I was so specific?

“I just said it’s not a severed head because the bag is too small for the entire body,” I explained. “I mean, it could only be a head. And if I had killed a dead hooker, why would I only throw away her head? That’s why you can rest easy that it’s just cat litter.”

“Okay,” the man said.

“I mean,” I continued, “it’s possible, I suppose, that I’d be fine with burying the body, but removed the head just because I kept thinking she was staring at me from the grave in my back yard… but really, that doesn’t matter because it’s just cat litter. Here, I’ll show you.”

“No, that’s okay, son.”

“So we’re clear here,” I said. “This is cat litter and not the head of a dead hooker?”

He laughed nervously again. “Yeah.”

Whew. Good. For once, I felt good about myself. My stupid sense of humor didn’t make some poor guy have to check my trash.

Or so I thought.

As we drove off, my wife said, “He’s pulling the bag back out of the dumpster. Why is he pulling the bag back out of the dumpster?”

So yeah… he checked it.

Hopefully, you’ll learn from my mistakes here.

No matter how much you clarify it, if you say the words “dead hooker” to an employee at a landfill, you’re going to be putting more work on that poor guy.

I plan to test this further, just to give you a full list of things you shouldn’t say to them. Next time, I’ll say it’s a bag of pure gold and I’m just throwing it away because money is evil.

I love helping strangers.

I’ll keep you updated… but for now, consider those two words…

 

 


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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Jean April 30, 2012 at 6:38 PM

I loved this one!

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Brandon April 30, 2012 at 6:45 PM

Thanks!

Poor landfill guy….
Brandon recently posted..Two Words You Should Never Say to Landfill WorkersMy Profile

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Hope April 30, 2012 at 10:17 PM

You probably should have asked the dead hooker where you could find a cheap lawn boy before you cut her head off! Bet she would have gave you a referral…
Hope recently posted..So apparently I’m the one that has A.D.D….My Profile

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