You’re convinced it’s coming and you think you’re prepared. You have a ZA Survival Plan and you’ve made sure every person in y0ur house is familiar with the plan. You know the best weapon, the safest location, and you have a food plan. You watch the news for any stories that might suggest a zombie attack.
You’re ready for the zombie apocalypse.
If you’re totally honest with yourself, you’re kind of hoping it happens.
That’s because you’re a jerk.
Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not judging. When the dead rise, all the rules about right and wrong will change. Maybe being the jerk you are will be the best path to survival. I don’t know. I’m not a ZA Etiquette expert. But if you’re going to embrace the jerk-route, don’t do it half way. All your planning so far has been the stuff that everybody plans… even the nice people. I was raised on the philosophy that if you’re going to do something, do it right. With that in mind, here are three tips to help all you ***holes out there more thoroughly enjoy your new apocalypse.
1. Make a list of people who are bigger jerks than you and kill them.
This has two distinct advantages. First and foremost, anybody who’s a bigger jerk than you is a threat. It means they’ll be willing to go farther than you in regards to their own survival. You can’t have that. Anything you consider, they’ll probably do. When it comes to being a ZA jerk, you have to take the Barney Fife approach:
In the bud.
The second advantage to doing this is a bit more personal. You get to kill a jerk without any repercussions. This is a zombie apocalypse, after all! You know that guy who always annoyed you at work? We’ll call him Jerkie. Well, during a ZA, you can find Jerkie and say, “NO! I DIDN’T FIND THAT OFFICE PRACTICAL JOKE FUNNY LAST YEAR!”
If, for whatever reason, you don’t have it in you to kill a breather, you should at least convince Jerkie that you’re going to kill him. Once you’ve made him cry, pretend to change your mind and “spontaneously” decide to let him live. The balance of power will shift to you. That might eliminate him as a threat. If you go this route, however, make sure to never give him a weapon.
2. Combine survival and entertainment.
In a ZA, stress relief is vital to your survival. If you don’t find a way to unwind, the stress of a world of zombies will eventually take your sanity. Luckily, if you’re a real jerk, you can easily find entertainment that also contributes to your survival.
Your place is stocked with food and water. You need it. You simply can’t be inviting every human inside to stay with you. They’ll eat all your food, drink all your water, and probably annoy you while doing it. However, if they find out you’re there, they will become a threat. They’ll probably beat on your door, crying and whining, until they draw the attention of the undead in the area.
You can solve this problem and entertain yourself at the same time. It’s a bit risky, but totally worth it.
First, make a sign that says, “SANCTUARY HOUSE. HUMANS INSIDE.” Once you’ve made the sign, locate a deserted house that you can see from your own home. After you’ve chosen an empty house, spend a day nailing the windows shut. When you’re done, find some zombies. Get the zombies to follow you. Lead them into the empty house, then run out the back door, trapping the zombies in the house. Nail the back door shut.
Place your sign on the front door of the house, then return to your home.
Once it’s all set, you can watch from the safety of your own home as other survivors rush into the “Sanctuary House.”
If possible, install cameras in the other house so you can really enjoy the shock on their faces.
3. Find a timid social outcast and use him to your advantage.
You’re a jerk, so I’m pretty sure you already have a friend like this. You know, the guy who’s so excited to have a friend, he’ll do anything you suggest. I say “he” because – whether you’re a male or a female – it’s best if this person is a male. If you’re a woman, this little guy is probably in love with you. If you’re a man, the little guy probably looks up to you as one of his heroes (which is ironic, because you’re a jerk).
We’ll call him Irky.
You don’t deserve to have Irky on your team, but you’ll need him. He’ll take all the risks for you. You just have to know how to ask.
You: “Okay, team. I know we have plenty of canned food, but I’m really craving some barbecue corn chips. I’m sure the grocery store has several bags, but it’s crawling with zombies. It’ll be very dangerous, but this is an important mission. Whoever gets those corn chips will definitely be in my cool book.”
Irky: “I’ll do it.”
The give-and-take in regards to Irky is that if you use him properly, you’ll almost certainly get him killed. However, if you try to keep him alive, you won’t be fully utilizing his value to you. It’s really best to consider him temporary. Don’t get too attached to him, and always keep an eye out for a potential replacement.
Obviously, this list isn’t complete. I’m sure there are hundreds of valid ZA Tips for Jerks. To list them all would be a massive undertaking. If you have any additional tips you’d like to add, feel free to list them in the comments section. Just remember, this isn’t a simple survival list. Those are plentiful. This is a survival list for jerks.
I’m looking forward to seeing any additional tips you may have.
While you’re waiting on the zombie apocalypse, be sure to check out the complete Day Soldiers Saga. It’s an apocalypse of a different kind.
Day Soldiers Book One
The Book that started it all…
Available at the following retailers. Day Soldiers is available in paperback and ebook formats:
Day Soldiers Book Two
The exciting saga of the Day Soldiers continues…
Available at the following retailers. Purging Fires is available in paperback and ebook formats:
Day Soldiers Book Three
How does it all end? The thrilling conclusion to the Day Soldiers Trilogy.
Currently available for the at the following retailers:
The Sneaker’s Handbook:
A Day Soldiers Guide to Killing Vampires and Werewolves
Your ignorance is the Legion’s most powerful weapon.
This companion piece is the manual that Lily Baxter was issued when she was assigned to the Sneakers.
Currently Available at Amazon.