My Candidate for President

by Brandon

I get a lot of fan mail asking who I support for president. And by that, I mean nobody has ever asked me that question.

So, for my fans, I’m going to break my “no politics” rule and let you know who I support as president: 

I’ve studied all the candidates closely, and I think the person I would most like to be president is…

Bugs Bunny.

I know that’s a controversial choice, and I’m sure I’ll get some hate mail for it (especially from the Daffy camp), but I have to follow my heart, and my heart tells me Bugs is the guy. I like his positions on all the hot-button issues.

Gun Control:

Bugs clearly supports the 2nd Amendment, even though he has personally been threatened by people with guns several times during his life. The picture on the right illustrates just how proud Bugs is of both guns and the 2nd amendment: Bugs Gun

However, Bugs clearly also opposes guns being allowed in the hands of mentally ill people who would pose a danger to themselves or others. Not all mentally ill people, mind you. I mean, an argument could be made that Bugs suffers from mental illness himself, so he would do nothing to hurt the innocent people who happen to suffer from mental illness. But the dangerous folks? Yeah, he wants to keep them away from guns.

Elmer Fudd, for example, is not someone who should be allowed a gun. And let’s be honest here… Yosemite Sam clearly suffers from anger issues that make him far too dangerous to own a gun. I mean, he just walks into rooms and starts firing like a madman.

And Bugs, being the concerned citizen he is, makes sure these two are not able to use their guns. Hopefully, he’ll pass legislation that says the severely mentally ill can own guns, but only after the barrels have been tied into knots. He has demonstrated the effectiveness of this method many times.

Illegal Immigration:

Some of the current candidates have suggested we need to build a wall between the US and Mexico, but what about the people who dig tunnels to get across the border?

Well, Bugs can dig tunnels better than anybody. He digs them fast and he digs them for very long distances. As soon as he is sworn in, Bugs could have an entire network of tunnels for the Border Patrol to use. Tunnels so intricate that even Speedy Gonzales wouldn’t have a chance. That mouse would be lost within minutes.

Political Bickering:

Bugs Bunny does not get pushed around by his political opponents. For decades, Daffy Duck has tried to replace Bugs as the face of Looney Tunes. Mr. Duck has tried every trick in the book, yet Bugs is still the primary representative of the Looney Tunes empire.

Same Sex Marriage:

The picture above says it all. No further comments are necessary.

National Security:

Bugs would be very strong on national security. He would not tolerate terrorism. Bugs has spent time in the Middle East, so he knows the people and the culture. He would probably take on any terrorists’s leaders himself, instead of sending soldiers. It’s this willingness to put himself in danger that makes him a great leader.

And Bugs isn’t just concerned about terrorism. He also has faced (and defeated) beings from another planet… specifically Mars. As we get closer to an era of space exploration, Bugs would be invaluable when it comes to laying down a defense strategy against attacking Martians.

Healthcare:

Bugs would definitely find a way to improve our healthcare system. I’m not sure, but I think he may be a doctor and a dentist. I’ve seen him operate on people (“Scalpel? Scalpel. Screw driver? Screw driver…”), and there was even an episode where he performed dental work on Sylvester the Cat.

Bugs also believes strongly in preventative measures. He definitely supports a healthy diet, especially when it comes to carrots.

Summation:

Bugs is a candidate for everybody. He leans left on some issues, right on other issues, and down on the rest. Bugs isn’t afraid to face enemies, but he’s also very kind to his friends.

And at the end of the day, Bugs has devoted his life to making people happy. And that, I think, is something we desperately need in a president.

So… Bugs for President ’15!

No matter who you choose, I hope you’ll at least consider a write-in vote for Bugs. What’s up, Doc? This country, if we elect Bugs. That’s what’s up.

Thanks for your time.

–Bran


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