Star Wars: Episode VII: The Force Awakens Review

by Brandon

So yeah… obviously, I have not seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens yet. But that’s okay. I already know that, when I finally watch the movie, I’ll come back here and give one of two possible reviews.

And since there are only two possible reviews, I’m gonna’ go ahead and write both reviews, so, once the movie comes out, you can just pick the one that’s right, and say, “Hey, Brandon Hale predicted this months ago!”

And now, I present to you… the two possible reviews for Star Wars: Episode VII: The Force Awakens…

Possible Review #1:

Star Wars…

LIVES!

This movie was just… wow. Honestly, that’s the only word I can think of that comes close to describing the experience that is Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

Wow.

It was like getting together with some old friends and having a round of drinks, one last time.

And speaking of old friends, Abrams’ use of the original cast was pitch frickin’ perfect.

I gotta’ admit… the first time I saw Han Solo on the big screen again, I teared up. His entrance was not only spectacular… it was deeply emotional. The same is true of Leia and Chewbacca.

And then there was Luke.

After the prequels, Luke caught a lot of hell from fans. Fans watched the Jedi in the prequel trilogy, twirling and jumping, then they watched Luke in the Original Trilogy, and they started acting like Luke was a total wimp. Of course, it’s not Luke’s fault that action sequences were done differently by 1999, but many fans didn’t care. After the prequels, Luke got a rep as a wimp.

Well, let me put that myth to rest right now… In The Force Awakens, it is flatly impossible to watch Luke and come away thinking anything but, “Luke is a badass!”

Luke shows us why he’s the man who took down Vader and the Emperor. Luke shows us why they now call him “Master.”

But at the same time, we quickly care about Luke. In this movie, he’s very much like Obi Wan (which is logical, considering that’s basically the role he’s playing). He’s kind and loving, but also a total badass.

So yeah… Abrams used the original cast beautifully. The actors truly honored the characters they played decades ago. It truly felt like Luke, Han, Leia, and Chewie were back. And because of this, the new characters felt completely legitimate. They didn’t feel like replacements. They felt like heirs. Heirs to the Empire. 🙂

So at the end of the day (technically, the end of the film), this movie flat out rocked. It was a true successor to the original trilogy.

I already want to see it again.

–Bran

Possible Review #2:

Star Wars…

Is dead.

And it breaks my heart to say that.

Now, before I go on, let me say this… I am not a hater. I loved the Star Wars prequels and I loved JJ Abrams’ Star Trek movies.

So I absolutely went in to this movie hoping it would bring back the glory of Star Wars.

It didn’t.

I had hoped that Abrams understood Star Wars enough to capture its essence. I hoped he would bring back the magic. Because, really, even though I enjoyed the prequels, that’s what they were missing. The magic.

But as it turns out, JJ Abrams thinks Star Wars is a mix of a very weak plot and massive amounts of pointless action.

See, I love action. I love it. But it has to have a point. The action in this movie was completely arbitrary. It was like he would film a couple of scenes, then think, “Oh my God, there’s not enough action! Blow something up!” And that’s not how action works in a great movie.

The villain was so 1-dimensional, I thought he was going to disappear if he turned to the side. And the new “heroes”… oh geeze. I know Luke was whiny and I know Anakin was whiny, but these new kids… they take whiny to a whole new level.

And then there’s the original cast. I had hoped they would be the saving grace of this movie.

They weren’t.

It’s obvious that these actors didn’t come back to the franchise because they loved the characters. They came back for lots and lots of money. And really, I wouldn’t judge them for that if they had brought their A-games…

They didn’t.

Luke acted like he was heavily medicated. I know Hamill was trying to seem like he was at peace with the universe, but that’s not how it came across. It came across like he suffered from extreme mood swings, so the rebel doctors had put him on very powerful mood stabilizers.

Carrie Fisher didn’t do much better with Leia. While she at least tried to occasionally show emotions, it was obvious that she was just “phoning it in.” She didn’t act like she was enjoying herself. Instead, she acted like a 12 year old who was pushed into starring in the school play, so she just read the lines to get through it. At times, she even seemed annoyed.

And then there’s Ford. You could tell that Ford has no respect for the character of Han Solo. He wasn’t even playing Han. He was playing a caricature of Han. Of all the performances, Ford’s was the best, but that’s not saying much. Han’s anger was probably just Ford’s anger at having to revive a character he didn’t give a crap about three decades ago.

So there you have it.

I’m really sorry to be the one to bring this news, but I have to be honest. This wasn’t Star Wars. This was a bad cartoon version of Star Wars. And while all the cast and crew are to blame for this, the bulk of the blame should go to Abrams.

Thanks for getting my hopes up, then smashing them into the ground, Mr. Abrams. You clearly have no idea what Star Wars is all about.

–Bran

….

So there you have it. I predict that one of those reviews will be accurate, come December.

I don’t know about you guys, but right now, I’m deeply hoping it’ll be Review #1.

Come on, Review #1! Don’t let us down, Mr. Abrams! We’re counting on you. You were given the keys to the kingdom. Please don’t screw it up…

–Bran

 


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